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Unlearn: 101 Simple Truths for a Better Life
Humble the Poet
Forget what you think you know Influencer, rapper and spoken word artist Humble the Poet is here to revolutionise your life and help you reach your full potential. Full of insights, wisdom and clarity, Unlearn is a brutally-honest, empowering book that defies conventional thinking. You will shed the sabotaging habits, fixed mindsets and past regrets that characterise modern life and instead tap into your best, most authentic self. Structured as 101 short and accessible life lessons covering everything from �Money is a Funny Thing’ to �Love is a Gift Not a Loan’, this is the ideal book to turn to whenever you need a flash of inspiration. Profound in its simplicity, Unlearn is the perfect invitation to a new beginning and to pursue a life of fulfilment.
Copyright (#u3f2c180d-fb79-5a21-895c-4b584953ce1a)
HQ
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
First published in Great Britain by
HQ, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019
First published in the United States by HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers, 195 Broadway, New York, NY 10007.
Copyright В© Humble the Poet 2019
Humble the Poet asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9780008359621
Ebook Edition В© 2019 ISBN: 9780008359638
Version: 2019-09-11
Epigraph (#u3f2c180d-fb79-5a21-895c-4b584953ce1a)
To attain knowledge,
add things every day.
To attain wisdom,
remove things every day.
—LAO TZU
CONTENTS
Cover (#u22ff8035-83cd-57a0-a9c2-7b79504bf91a)
Title Page (#ufb136aea-3c85-560e-88d6-0bdc76f047e1)
Copyright
Epigraph
Introduction
Chapter 0. Why?
Chapter 1. No Straight Lines
Chapter 2. Want to Be Happier in 5 Easy Steps?
Chapter 3. Unhappiness Is Simple
Chapter 4. The Gift of Fear
Chapter 5. Golden Girls
Chapter 6. Death Trap for Dependencies
Chapter 7. We Carry a Lot Through Our Lives
Chapter 8. When Less Is More
Chapter 9. Loving a Bottomless Pit
Chapter 10. How We Spend Our Days Becomes Our Life
Chapter 11. Putting Yourself First Is Not Selfish
Chapter 12. When Was the World Fair?
Chapter 13. You’re Going to Die
Chapter 14. Who Are You?
Chapter 15. We All Have Our Stresses
Chapter 16. Pave Your Own Road—There’s Less Traffic
Chapter 17. Don’t Sabotage Yourself
Chapter 18. Time Heals All, But Not on Your Schedule
Chapter 19. A Lesson from 50 Cent
Chapter 20. You Can Be Whatever the Fuck You Want
Chapter 21. Lonely Is a Feeling, Not a Circumstance
Chapter 22. Don’t Trust Everything You Feel
Chapter 23. Things Get Overwhelming Quickly
Chapter 24. I Don’t Know You
Chapter 25. Hukam
Chapter 26. Money Is a Funny Thing
Chapter 27. A Fear Overcome Is a Strength Acquired
Chapter 28. Trust Your Wings
Chapter 29. You Have Reasons to Be Miserable
Chapter 30. Fluffy Pillows and the Truth
Chapter 31. Is It Ignorance or Apathy?
Chapter 32. Comparisons Are Killer
Chapter 33. High Expectations and Low Patience
Chapter 34. Help Those You Love the Way You Love
Chapter 35. Let’s Talk About Your Beliefs
Chapter 36. Allow Your Heart Some Character
Chapter 37. The More We Let Go, the More We Gain
Chapter 38. Heartbreaks Are Essential
Chapter 39. Another Lesson from 50 Cent
Chapter 40. People Are Expensive
Chapter 41. Sometimes We Need to Suffer
Chapter 42. Falling in Love with Learning
Chapter 43. Fewer Expectations, Fewer Disappointments
Chapter 44. Fitting in Is a Pointless Activity
Chapter 45. Ghostbusters
Chapter 46. You Can’t Save ’em All
Chapter 47. It Hurts to Care Sometimes
Chapter 48. Which Emotions Are You Feeding?
Chapter 49. You Can’t Protect Your Bubble
Chapter 50. You Have to Do What’s Best for You
Chapter 51. The Religion of “Want”
Chapter 52. Don’t Let Someone Else Write Your Story
Chapter 53. Depending on Luck Is for Suckers
Chapter 54. I Met This Girl Once …
Chapter 55. Don’t Know Yourself, Can’t Be Yourself
Chapter 56. Oh Man, How Scary It Is to Ask for Help
Chapter 57. Are You Happy?
Chapter 58. Regrets Are Stupid
Chapter 59. Nobody Fits In
Chapter 60. All My Mothers
Chapter 61. Only Boring People Get Bored
Chapter 62. One Promise of Life Is that It’s Going to End
Chapter 63. Love Is a Gift Not a Loan
Chapter 64. Self-Pity Is Self-Sabotage
Chapter 65. Worms of Validation
Chapter 66. Which Way Is Your Spiral Headed?
Chapter 67. How Do Others See You?
Chapter 68. You Decide Your Worth
Chapter 69. The Storm Is in Your Mind, Not in Your Life
Chapter 70. Put That Heart on a Leash
Chapter 71. Are You in It to Give or Receive?
Chapter 72. Fight!
Chapter 73. You Need to Forgive
Chapter 74. Labels Are Dehumanizing
Chapter 75. Celebrate Your Scars
Chapter 76. Validation Is a Helluva Drug
Chapter 77. Fake It ’til You Make It
Chapter 78. Baby Steps Add Up
Chapter 79. You Only Have So Much Time
Chapter 80. Don’t Infect Yourself with Negativity
Chapter 81. Words Are Weapons, If You Allow Them to Be
Chapter 82. You Are a Work of Art in Progress
Chapter 83. Losing a Piece of Ourselves
Chapter 84. Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself
Chapter 85. What’s Right and Wrong?
Chapter 86. Embrace Your Challenges
Chapter 87. How Rarely They Think of Us
Chapter 88. Love and Logic Won’t Hold Hands
Chapter 89. Smile to Feel It or Conceal It?
Chapter 90. Killing Expectations Births Happiness
Chapter 91. What’s Taking Up Space in Your Life?
Chapter 92. Living the Width of Your Life
Chapter 93. The More Love You Give, the More You Get?
Chapter 94. The Only Constant
Chapter 95. No Minimums on Appreciation
Chapter 96. Who Holds the Key to Your Happiness?
Chapter 97. Starting Is the Hardest Part
Chapter 98. Don’t Hold Yourself Back
Chapter 99. Happiness Is Not a Place
Chapter 100. Some Folks Are Addicted to Misery
Chapter 101. The Most Important Chapter in This Book
Acknowledgments
About the Author
About the Publisher
INTRODUCTION (#u3f2c180d-fb79-5a21-895c-4b584953ce1a)
Have you ever told a six-year-old to put on their boots and snowsuit? Well, they put on the boots first and then struggle to get the snowsuit over them. When I was an elementary school teacher, I quickly realized it wasn’t always what I said to them, it was how I said it. Kids are empty vessels and sponges, and they soak in so much consciously and unconsciously, until it’s absorbed as “how things should be.” As we get older, this doesn’t change much: we continue to soak in messages, often without realizing it.
We stick to a script that hasn’t been edited in decades, and we serve as both prisoner and guard to the status quo. The thing with the script is that it comes with some big promises, both spoken and unspoken. Be a good person and good things will happen to you; show people love and they will show love to you; play by the rules and good guys will always win. Most of these ideas got reinforced by our parents, teachers, Full House, and our understandable urge to fit in.
Part of that script includes the idea that we need to be more, we need to get more attention, love, significance, Pokémon, and validation. We climb endless mountains daydreaming of how wonderful it’s going to feel once we reach the top. That feeling will be so wonderful that we won’t stop and take a minute to enjoy the view. If we play this game long enough it stops being fun.
And that’s probably why you’re here.
I didn’t write this book to write a book. I, like you, found myself lying on the floor feeling sorry for myself, betrayed, frustrated, and most importantly, powerless. My best friends were NyQuil and this muscle relaxer I still can’t pronounce. My strategy during the lowest points in my life was simple: sleep, and wait for someone else to clean this all up for me.
But the teachers were long gone, Uncle Jesse was nowhere to be found, and all I had was a broken heart, a cloudy mind, and a very comfortable bed.
Just like you, I have conversations in my head all day, and not many of those conversations during this time were pleasant. I made a lot of mistakes, and just like you, I beat myself up over and over, reliving each and every mistake, imagining a life where I could do it over, and feeling everything would have been better then. Looking back, I realized one of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking I was the only one going through this shit.
We can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. When we tell ourselves that no one understands us, it’s an easy trick for feeling connected to something; but it usually just means feeling sorry for ourselves. I was feeling sorry for myself for a long time, until I realized we’re all in the exact same boat. If we’re all in the same boat, why not connect with each other?
The moment I realized I wasn’t alone I began to share the conversations I was having with myself publicly. These conversations came from a version of myself that was trying to make sense of shattered pictures in front of him. As time went by, those conversations became a journey that allowed me to understand and gain clarity about the world inside me. That understanding also brought clarity and helped embolden my message to the world around me.
I’m not here to solve your problems. I’m here to remind you that all you’ve been doing, since the doctor smacked your butt, is solving problems, and if you want to continue facing life, the most important thing isn’t learning the new lessons you have to learn, it is unlearning the old ones we have to let go of.
Sometimes letting go is as simple as telling the six-year-olds to put their snowsuits on first and then their boots, and other times it’s taking the thick marker in your junk drawer that nobody ever uses and making massive revisions to that outdated script we’ve been taught to follow.
We can’t make those revisions if we don’t know where we want our story to head, and we can’t decide our story unless we discover and decide ourselves. This book is the sandpaper to help clear the rust from stale narratives, and the microscope to get a clearer view. This book is here to help you reconnect with what you already know. Like all of us, you’ve just been distracted by the bullshit in life. Let go of everything else. The more of this bullshit we let go, the more room we create to look inward to find things we’re authentically enthusiastic about. Discovering those things that excite us will allow us to decide where we want our life to head.
I’m a lifelong learner, and I have always been the kid in the class who likes sharing his notes. This book is a collection of those notes I took along the way. Truth will always be a hard pill to swallow, so the least we can do is to keep it simple. (Plus, teaching children taught me to keep my words short and sweet.)
I’m not one of those guys who promised himself he’d write a book one day and followed through. I’m the guy who, just like you, has no choice but to stare my struggles in the eyes and explore them before they devour me. This book is that journey. Along the way, I left teaching to pursue my creative work full-time. After many uncomfortable years, I reached success as a musician and spoken-word artist in ways I could never have predicted. I then realized my purpose extended beyond those art forms, and I explored different avenues to bring the sparks in my mind to life. I direct my own music videos and design my own clothes, and here we are reading my book. Throughout this journey, I unlearned flawed, fixed scripts and relearned incredible lessons about life, love, loss, and myself. This book won’t spare you heartbreak, anxiety, regret, or any other kind of suffering; it’ll remind you of just how important they really are. As creators, we all learn from observing, and sometimes our best teachers can be ourselves.
This shit doesn’t get easier, we just get stronger. We become wiser when we realize how much we can learn from our yesterdays, and we become lighter as we let go of old ideas, beliefs, and values that serve no value to our future. This has been our story since the beginning of time. Along the ride, so many things piled up to make it more difficult, but sometimes all we have to do to keep it moving is let go.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. Since first publishing this book myself in 2014, it’s gotten so many people around the world tangled in my beard, and has connected us in ways I could never imagine. The most valuable thing isn’t the money you (or the person you stole this from) spent on the book, it is the time you’ve invested in reading it. Because what you’re doing is investing in yourself, and I appreciate being a part of that with my heart.
Thank you for connecting.
Kanwer Singh
@humblethepoet (http://www.twitter.com/humblethepoet)
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The journey of my life is no different from the journey of anyone else on this planet. There have been brilliant moments and moments that still make me cringe when I think about them. I’m haunted by my past and worried about my future just as much as anyone else. I’m confident that I’m not the only one going through the peaks and valleys of life. The realization that I’m not alone allows me to understand how normal these things really are. We tend to amplify our problems and sink into a center-of-the-world mentality, thinking that the entire universe is conspiring against us; it’s not.
We all have conversations with ourselves: in the shower, on the way to work, late at night—sleepless in bed. I took these conversations and just started typing and sharing them with the people in my life who wanted to hear them. If you’re reading this, that includes you.
Loneliness can be a horrid feeling, and it’s amazing how quickly it can dissipate when we realize how much we have in common with other folks; ironically, the room is full of folks who feel alone. The remedy I found that works best to combat this feeling is to simply connect with others.
I’m an observer and a creator. This means I simply try to pay attention and restate what I’ve learned in the way I understood it. I worked as an elementary school teacher for over half a decade, and those experiences taught me to keep my communications short and sweet. Information in small chunks is easier to absorb. That’s what this book is—a collection of nuggets to remind you of the things that keep this wild ride steady. I use the word remind because we have all had our flashes of brilliance and greatness throughout life, and whether or not we knew it, the mindsets we had during those moments can be applied to our challenges today, to help us overcome them.
I appreciate the time you’ve taken to check this out and hope you enjoy my work as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please soak in what you like, disregard what you don’t, and share whatever you feel someone else needs to hear.
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There aren’t very many straight lines in nature, and that includes your life. When reading through this book, the first thing I want you to let go of is the idea of a straight line. You’re going to come to points in this book where you stop and say, “Didn’t he already say that?” The answer is, “YES!” Anything worth saying is worth repeating. It’s rare that we come across something worthwhile in life, and a single encounter is enough for it to stay with us. This book was written as much more of a cycle than simply having a beginning, middle, and end.
Ideas need to be reinforced and revisited to settle themselves into us. These days, information is being taken in at such a rate that it’s forgotten before the page is even turned (assuming people still turn pages). Any skill worth having requires practice, and practice is simply repetition over and over until it becomes second nature.
There’s very little order in this book; you can read it backwards, start from the middle, or read every other chapter; the content here only has value when it connects with you. What you read at fifteen will have a completely different relevance when you’re twenty-five. I hope you decide to revisit these writings and build new connections with the ideas as your own journey continues.
The thoughts and ideas presented are nothing revolutionary. They’ve been around for thousands of years, and most of this wisdom already exists within us—we just need to shed some of the other things the world has put on top. We gain more from letting go; there’s nothing mystical or secretive about this idea. This book is meant to agree with and bring out the wisdom you already possess.
No matter the shape of your life and journey, I hope this book makes the trip a bit more enjoyable.
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Just send $19.99 to … I’m kidding.
Write down five things in your life that you’re grateful for, or write ten.
A simple shift in what your mind is paying attention to can do wonders for the way you feel. It’s not a trick, it’s not a gimmick, it’s respecting the fact that happiness is a mindset, so SET YOUR MIND TO HAPPINESS BY THINKING OF HAPPY SHIT.
It doesn’t last, but is it supposed to? Does it make sense to be happy ALL the time? If you were happy all the time, would we even know what happiness was anymore?
Improve your relationship with all your emotions because there’s a lot to discover from them. I’m grateful that I have a variety of emotions. They teach me something new about myself on a regular basis.
We hide the darkness with our smiles, feel lonely in crowded rooms, and become so accustomed to these feelings that we begin to believe they’re a part of who we are.
They’re not. You won’t be the same person if you let them go, you’ll be better.
People who aren’t happy with what they have won’t be happy with what they get. This mindset can be both beneficial and burdensome. Some folks find happiness in the pursuit itself and are grateful for the opportunity.
Personally, I’m not looking to be happy all the time, nor do I want to be satisfied and content. I enjoy an ambitious hunger, and as long as I’m moving forward, learning, sharing, and growing, I’ll be grateful for every nugget that comes my way, whether it be shit or gold.
What are you grateful for?
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Unhappiness is simply when the picture in your head doesn’t match the picture in front of you. Some folks aren’t happy because they don’t have what they want, or they aren’t where they wish to be. Some just feel horrible about themselves. Maybe they’re comparing themselves to others, or even a former version of themselves. Either way, the simple equation is the mismatch of how you want it with how it is.
How you want it isn’t set in stone. Most of us have wanted something for a long time, and once receiving it, realize it wasn’t all that, and what we had propped up in our mind was an inflated sense of euphoria or contentment. Wanting less will definitely make you happier than getting more.
How it is isn’t set in stone either. We see what we choose. Most of the improvements I’ve made in my life this past year came from tweaking the way I saw the things that were always around me. I stopped seeing my mistakes as failures but rather as valuable (or expensive) lessons. Roadblocks became speed bumps and hurdles. Reasons to quit became reasons to adapt (or motivation to smash through).
Let’s not get it twisted—I’m not a Zen Buddha baby. Bellyaching is still an art to me, and I complain about things that make first world problems look legit. I do, however, only give myself about ten minutes to be a Sad Panda before I move forward. I ask myself, “How did you want it?,” re-evaluate how it is, and try to tweak and adjust both to bring them a bit closer together.
Expectations are a bigger enemy to our happiness than our circumstances; the fewer expectations you have, the better off you are. Couple that with a Positive Pete set of goggles and things will feel even a bit more smile-worthy.
It’s also important to remember that everlasting happiness is a concept only promised by preachers and infomercials. It’s healthy to have a myriad (that’s a smart word for “a bunch”) of emotions occupying the hotel of your heart. Welcome them all in, and experience them the way they’re meant to be (just clean up afterwards). You’ll also realize the relationships between them. The less things anger you, the less things will excite you. The less things make you cry, the less things will make you laugh. Different life experiences are going to break barriers within you and you’ll respond emotionally to things you never connected to before (like getting all teary-eyed every time you watch the end of that Fresh Prince episode when his pops bails on him *sniff*).
The next time you’re having a Sad Panda moment can be the next time you ask yourself about the picture in your head and the picture in front of you. That moment of realization and discovery will put you in a position of power to mold both ends to bring them closer together. It works better than junk food—sometimes, that is.
PLEASE NOTE: Emotions are related to chemicals in your brain and a few paragraphs from a rhyming Beardo may not suffice. Don’t ever be afraid to seek help if you start to feel helpless and overwhelmed. I have, and it has helped a lot.
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Fear is a gift.
I’m talking about the fear we have that gives us a jolt when in danger. The jolt gives us either what’s necessary to deal with that danger, or what’s necessary to get the fuck out of the way. That type of fear is something we only feel in the present, and it generally lasts for a short time.
Humans are funny creatures because we can carry fears even when out of danger. If you’ve ever been a victim of a crime you know how it lingers and disrupts the normalcy of your life for quite some time. It messes with your sleep, keeps you on edge in seemingly safe situations, and can serve to paralyze you when you try to move forward.
On top of that, we have this awesome (remembering that the word awesome doesn’t always mean a good thing) ability to create fear, not only in ourselves, but also in others. These fears include (but aren’t limited to) fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of embarrassment, fear of loss, fear of change, and fear of truth. These fears are technically considered phobias because they’re irrational and don’t actually involve danger.
Asking that girl for her number and having her reply with an “eww no” isn’t going to be the end of your existence. It may feel shitty, and the desire to not feel shitty may keep you from asking her. The same way the fear of disappointing others keeps you from switching out of biology class into a modern dance class, dating outside your bubble, or leaving your job as a teacher to be a rap singer.
These phobia-type fears aren’t gifts like the adrenaline rush you get when the car in front of you stops suddenly and you need to react tout de suite. That adrenaline goes away after a few minutes since it has served its purpose. Phobias only seem to grow in magnitude and multiply.
We all have these phobias, and the ones we carry are as unique as we are. As a mass of people, we can have collective phobias, and these phobias have been exploited and used to control us like lab rats for decades (word to Edward Bernays).
We avoid those feelings by playing it safe, or playing along. Our fear of exclusion motivates our assimilation. Our fear of not being noticed motivates our loud behavior. Our fear of loneliness motivates the personal sacrifices and compromises we think are necessary to be accepted by others. We’re all doing the same dance but think we’re in it alone because we’re moving to different music.
The courage we need to develop is not the knight-in-shining-armor, super-duper-confidence-unfazed courage. It’s the recognition of what we fear, and deciding that even with the tiniest baby steps, we move forward despite it. What you fear isn’t the roadblock; allowing the fear to keep you from moving is the real obstacle. FDR said it during one of America’s lowest times: “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”
Whenever I have issues or find myself feeling uneasy or hesitant, I ask myself, “What are you afraid of?” Answering that question clarifies who I am, and it’s the first step to overcoming that fear. In most cases, what I fear is dramatically worse than the reality of the situation.
As I go through these adventures being a public figure and hear every opinion across the spectrum, everything I ever feared people would think of me, they already have. Yet here I am, still breathing, beard still soft, rhymes only getting better, learning lessons even quicker. I’ve seen people dig themselves out of holes a million times worse than some of my created phobias.
No one is fearless, but the bravest people I know are those who are most in tune with their fears and phobias and have decided not to let them get in the way of their happiness.
As always, this is going to require you to have a conversation with yourself to discover these fears. Identifying them will be the first step to conquering them.
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In the thickest New York accent you can imagine, one old lady says to another, “Let’s have strawberry shortcake to celebrate another day on Earth.” When the cake arrives the lady asks the waitress, “Did you remember to take out the calories?”
It was a Golden Girls moment (word to Sikh Knowledge), and it also reminded me of the never-ending power we have to paint the world we want to see.
There’s a lot of bullshit in the world. I’ve spent the majority of my artistic existence trying to shine a light on that bullshit. A result of doing so required me to dig deeper into issues, and myself, if I ever wanted to have anything new to say, without sounding like a (complete) hypocrite, with opinions on issues we all contribute to.
I learned a lot about how truth has no place in a world where people only want to see two sides: their side and the other side. The world is ten shades of grey, but that’s not very convenient for those who want to see in black and white, since that’s how they choose to paint the picture.
As humans, we seek affirmation over information. In simpler terms, we look for evidence to support what we already believe, and subconsciously ignore the things that contradict that. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If we didn’t have a device in our brains to ignore what we thought irrelevant, we’d be overloaded with redonkulous amounts of information that come at us every second of the day.
This can be a bit damaging if you’re married to an idea, and the repetition of information and people that validate that idea are all things you choose to expose yourself to (those are the key ingredients to your comfort zone). On top of that, it can be dramatically worse if the view you have of the world is that it is nothing but shit. Simply put, if you think life sucks, life will suck, and you’ll ignore your full fridge, running water, access to the internet, and ability to have leisure time to even contemplate how much life sucks.
Do you focus on the people who love you, or the ones who won’t return your calls? Do you share your problems or your joys with people? Realize, every thought you have is a brushstroke on the world you see. None of this negates the extreme issues the world is facing, but let’s not lose sight that many, if not most, of these issues were always in existence. Even viewing these issues is an opportunity for you to find some additional gratitude in the life you have, and motivation to spread some beauty, even if it’s on a local level.
The only reason you’re not good enough is because you’re thinking it. When I went to the Tim Burton exhibition, the first thing they showed was a rejection letter he received early in his career. He didn’t let that circumstance change the picture he was painting.
The old lady came up with the idea of ordering the strawberry shortcake after hearing another table sing “Happy Birthday” to their friend. She found inspiration in their celebration and found an excuse to celebrate herself.
Make an excuse to be happy right now and start painting with those thoughts. Your life is art, a work in progress, at that, and it’s only complete when you’re dead. Every day is a new day to see it the way you want.
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Relationships can be a death trap for dependencies.
I’m not talking solely about romantic relationships, I’m talking the whole shebang: professional, friends, creative, family, etc.
I’m not anti-relationship, I’m just pro–watch-out-for-developing-dependencies-in-your-relationship. When we put the key to our happiness in the pocket of others, we’re now at their mercy. Not all folks are looking to exploit the power they’ve been granted, but shit still tends to happen.
The most important relationship you have is with yourself—simple. Putting the responsibility of your smiles on anyone else will often lead to the opposite, and you have no one to blame except yourself. This anti-victim mentality isn’t popular because people don’t enjoy the onus, but it’s probably the only way to ensure a long-standing, healthy ability to have meaningful relationships.
We’ve cheapened the word love to the point that it’s common for someone to say they love you, and then no longer mean it a short time later. What is love really? Does a mother fall out of love with her child? If the dynamics of any relationship change, what usually causes it?
One answer is expectations. The love we seek is generally riddled with conditions, but the fairy tales make us feel that it’s unconditional. Respecting the fact that relationships are based on conditions may not be the most romantic, but it is the most realistic.
I encourage you to be independent—not because I want you to be, but because you already are. We’re born alone and die alone, and again, though it lacks romance, putting your relationship with yourself first dramatically enhances your ability to have relationships with others.
Dependencies aren’t healthy, whether on a substance, an idea, or another human being. In this sense, wanting less results in having more. Again, I’m not an idealist. In our daily lives we have to depend on people for things to get done, but if we acknowledge the dependencies early, it cushions the blow dramatically if expectations aren’t met. It can also serve to motivate us to be in a position to further reduce the dependencies we can survive without.
I’m not advocating a life of complete isolation and simplicity. I’ve always had a life rich with people and complexity, but at the same time I do find peace in simplifying and cleaning out the clutter.
I also know that if you’re not happy with yourself, nothing can compensate to fill that void.
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I know everyone reading this is haunted by a regret. Some boneheaded moment that you’d pay your left arm to get back; a mistake that in hindsight seemed so easy to spot, but not at the time.
Some of us will spend our days daydreaming of what life would have been like had we not made that mistake—oh, how much better everything would be.
Snap out of that shit.
You can’t predict the future, not even in your imaginary “what if” scenarios. When we’re not happy with our present, we can start wishing away our future by focusing on the past, or … we can do something about it NOW.
Regret is a burden we all hold, for whatever reason, and holding on does nothing but weigh us down. Learn from the mistakes of your past, thank them for occurring, and then gently push them into the wind and wave as they flutter away.
No decision is ever absolutely great or absolutely horrible—stop thinking so extreme. Understand your past, don’t waste time judging it. Understand your present, don’t waste time judging it. Use what you learn from these understandings to help create the future you want. This isn’t easy, and I promise you’ll fuck up some more in the future, but be ready for that, and when it happens, start digging for the jewels of wisdom that come from those foibles.
Folks can only love you for yesterday, but you can appreciate yourself for your present. Take a super-deep breath and hold it. Hold it a bit longer, then slowly breathe it out and keep blowing until there’s no air in your lungs. Congratulations, you just pressed reset.
Now move forward and create a life you want.
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The less you give a damn, the happier you’ll be. Create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that simply looks good from the outside.
We can’t see other people’s struggles, pains, pressures, and anxieties. They put up the same front that we do. Trying to evaluate your life in comparison to others will always leave you more depressed for that simple reason.
When we focus on creating happiness from the outside then in, we’ll continue to fail because we’re using other people’s measures of success and pretending they’re our own. What makes you feel like a million bucks may involve a pair of ripped jeans and that T-shirt with the holes in it. How you feel is more important than how you look, and though I agree staying fresh can help the way you feel, the best thing you can wear is your confidence and happiness.
Don’t care what others think until you’ve taken your own thoughts into consideration. You can’t predict what other people think, and even if you could, it’s impossible to make everyone happy. The world is full of diverse opinions, and some of those opinions are in your favor, and some are not.
I don’t have the ability to get to know all of you on a personal level, but I’m super confident there’s something unique about each of you worth bringing to the forefront. Make your happiness worth more than the opinions of others.
Give a damn about yourself first, then those who give a damn about you, and then see if you have any damns left to give.
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Loving someone can sometimes feel like you’re pouring everything into a bottomless pit.
You would give anything just to hear a splash at the end, just to feel they’re aware of your efforts and energy because right now, nothing feels good enough.
Maybe you can try harder, maybe you’re not doing enough, maybe you’re not good enough, or maybe, just maybe:
YOU’RE LOVING THE WRONG PERSON.
Love is something you share because you have it, not something you give desperately because you need it. The person at the top of your love list should be (drumroll … the suspense is killing me …) YOU.
If someone isn’t appreciating the love you send their way, then there needs to come a point when you wake up, get up, and walk away—not to make them miss you, but so you can recapture your dignity and self-worth.
I’ve said it numerous times, and I’m going to say it again: if you don’t love yourself, you have no business seeking love from others. Other people will exploit your need for love and affection for their own benefit; don’t hold that against them, just stay away from them.
If these words are hitting home, don’t pity yourself—love yourself and put yourself in the situation you deserve to be in.
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Your priorities are not revealed in your words, they are revealed in your actions, and your actions are revealed by your schedule.
You can say something (or someone) is important to you, but if it isn’t penciled in, you’re lying to yourself.
Tomorrow is not a promise—not even kind of. If fear is holding you back from doing what you want (or need) to be doing in your life, just realize that fear isn’t going anywhere, and everyone who has done something amazing has done it despite the fear, not in its absence.
Until science can do otherwise, we’re all ending our story with death. It’s really up to you how you use the days leading up to your eventual demise. The thought of death scares some, and makes others feel liberated. I like to remember, as long as there’s breath in my lungs I can create any life I wish to create (it won’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile is), and once the breath is gone, it doesn’t matter anyways.
Life is too short to be in any situation you don’t want to be in, and it feels even shorter when you’re with people you don’t want to be around. There aren’t any erasers to undo our past, but there are fresh pages to write a new chapter. I have great friends who mustered up the courage and strength to escape their comfort zones and place themselves in situations they would much rather be in. It took time and it was a struggle, but they came out as better people with better lives. You can do the same thing. It won’t be easy, but so what? Is there really a point to building a life if it isn’t the life you want?
I strongly encourage you to take risks; you’re worth it. The fear isn’t going to go away, so respect that relationship and work with it, around it, and despite it.
Let your actions do the talking from now on, and if something is important to you, let it show in your day-to-day movements.
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We all see this world in terms of ourselves. We all have interests and needs that need to be met first. This isn’t selfish. Selfish is when you don’t allow others to do their own thing and expect them to conform to what you want. You don’t want people restricting how you get to live your life, so don’t do it to others.
Focusing on yourself is really one of the least selfish things you can do. It puts you in a position to be empathetic to other people who are also trying to focus on themselves. You can develop an “Imma do me, you do you” mindset, which can create an environment that lets people grow on their own terms (scary idea for control freaks).
Instead of trying to find that right person for you, focus on becoming that right person yourself. The people you appreciate will generally be the people who appreciate you so be around them and work on being the type of person you want around.
Putting yourself first is an act of survival as well. We can all easily drain ourselves trying to accommodate the whims of others. We can spend our entire life trying to make other people happy, and realize we have no life left for ourselves.
It’s not romantic to think about how really self-indulgent we all are, but that doesn’t take away from that fact. If you understand that people work according to their interests, it’s even easier to work with them and get along. Everyone wants to know what’s in it for them; respect this ideal and everyone will benefit from the interactions.
Selfish isn’t pursuing what you want in life, it’s when you’re not also helping others in theirs. We all have things and people we’re enthusiastic about—help them, and find joy in doing so. I’m a product of all your support and I appreciate you all for it. I’m not in a position to help everyone, nor am I motivated to do so, so I focus on those I can and want to help. Social obligations and being around people you don’t want to be around are just a waste of life.
It’s OK to let people know that you’re not excited to be around them; if anything, that’ll keep you from having to be around them for much longer.
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The world isn’t fair—never was, never will be.
To expect reciprocity for being a good person is like sticking your hand in the cage of a lioness and expecting her not to bite your arm off, because, after all, you wouldn’t do that to her.
If you want to be a good person, be a good person. If you want to be just, treat all fairly, and live in peace and harmony, go right ahead. However, please do not think that these lifestyle choices ensure or entitle you to the same in return.
Only in the movies do the good guys win; by that I mean only in the movies do we actually have good guys. In the real world, things cannot be simplified into good and bad so easily. Almost every privilege we have is the result of the exploitation of others. If the quality of life you are afforded—you being the person who has electricity and internet access—was provided to everyone on the planet, we would need a few extra planets. Our nature has become one of abundance and consumption, and that way of life, as fifteen thousand years of human history has shown, doesn’t come without a few cracked skulls.
The point I’m here to make isn’t one of pessimism but more of realism. Most of the problems the inhabitants of this planet are experiencing are caused by its inhabitants (well, not the bunny rabbits, or dolphins, or scorpions—mostly the humans). Before we start solving these problems, we have to stop causing them, thus no longer benefiting from them. Everyone is guided by self-interests, and on top of that, those interests are so different. Those interests not only overlap, but conflict with others, like those silly Iraqis who somehow stumbled upon OUR oil. Conflicting interests lead to conflict. Conflict can lead to death, and when humans are involved, death is the least of the creative things we concoct when dealing with individuals who stand in our way. Humans aren’t the only creatures that exhibit war and murderous behavior; we’ve just spent the most time perfecting that art.
Now, maybe we’re all just not praying hard enough, or sinning too much, and our endlessly loving lord is showing the errors of our ways through intense but love-filled acts of violence, famine, and other non-pleasantries. Maybe it’s the devil (who by most accounts is a fallen angel), or maybe we should pay a bit more attention when we watch the nature channel and see the baby antelope get eaten alive by a pack of lions, and see in them what we so greatly wish to ignore in ourselves.
Most of us are fortunate not to be in geographical locations or economic scenarios that land us on the front lines of humanity’s worst. That’s something I try not to forget, and it’s a point I’m grateful for.
Sikh heritage advocates that individuals stay armed and trained for combat at all times, regardless if they’re men, women, or children. In all combat, understanding your terrain is essential (word to Sun Tzu).
Folks like 50 Cent and the homey Ryan Blair were able to take their embedded understanding of the harsh terrain of street life and apply it to their business ventures. They both found success working with the challenges instead of against them. These are two individuals you won’t hear complain; instead you’ll witness them adapt until they conquer.
The strongest don’t survive; the most adaptable do. When life is viewed this way, nothing is seen as an obstruction, but merely an obstacle to overcome.
Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.
Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend. —Bruce Lee
The better our relationship is with reality, the better we can get along and live together. It may not be pretty, but it’s all we have.
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Also, everyone you love and care for will be dead within a dozen decades, some even before you. Why does thinking about that bother us so much?
What other guarantees do we have in life besides death? When folks die, how do we determine if they went too early? Is it based on the average? Does it even make sense to quantify life in terms of time?
“It’s not the days in your life, but the life in your days.”
For many of us, there is a disconnect in our relationship with death. We tend to forget that our days are not promised. Every day you receive is a gift, whether you die at the age of five or fifty; every millisecond of that existence was never assured. I’m not sure where the idea that we’re entitled to life came from. Our only real entitlement is that it’s going to come to an end.
I don’t see this as depressing, but rather the opposite.
The beauty of life is that it’s temporary, and if it lasted forever we’d take it for granted. Many folks are already taking it for granted, as if it will last forever.
Respecting mortality will dramatically enhance how efficiently we spend the time we have here. It also keeps us from sweating the small stuff. (When you compare it to death, all of it is small stuff.)
I think our innate urges to create come from our desire to be immortal. Similar to religion, many of those beliefs revolve around the idea of what happens after we die, and what we need to do beforehand to ensure an awesome afterlife. (It’s great marketing if you think about it: you won’t know if it’s bullshit until after you’re dead, and by then it’s too late to get your time and money back.)
Personally, I see us as just another cell in Mama Nature. Like the cells in our bodies, new cells are created, and old cells die, all serving whatever purpose nature has them programmed for. Mother Nature does a great job of monkey-butlering us to do her bidding without us even knowing. On top of that, we tend to think we’re still in control while doing it (like bees pollinating flowers).
It’s just a view, but most of the things that affect us are based on the views we hold, and our view on death is an important one to meditate on.
Paying attention to our relationship with death is also a great exercise in letting go. Sikh philosophy encourages detachment, and it’s pretty practical advice if you think about it. Our attachment to people, things, ideas, and beliefs can be quite a cause of misery for the short time period we actually have. Everything is temporary—there’s really no need to hold on.
I don’t concern myself with ideas of the supernatural and afterlife, but I do understand why those ideas are appealing. We want to believe there’s more than what’s in front of us, more than just the lights shutting off. The fear of the unknown can compel us to various mindsets.
Regardless, the lights will be going out in all of us, and that’s not a choice. However, HOW we feel about that IS a choice. Let’s enjoy what we have, while we have it, and not spend it worrying about a future we may never see or an ending we can’t avoid.
We’re all going to die, and for me, that’s what makes life worth living. The fact that the folks I love and care about are going to share that fate is motivation to enjoy their company and not take it for granted while I have them.
And when it’s time:
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” —Dr. Seuss
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No one will ever know you better than yourself. No one should have the power to define you more than yourself. Seeking approval from others allows them dominion over your identity.
The outside world will never have a great picture of what’s inside; WE barely know. Our opinions of our identity aren’t always valid or accurate either, but they definitely affect how we feel about ourselves.
Closing your eyes, shutting the fuck up, and exploring what’s inside is a great way of getting a firm grasp of who’s really there. That picture will never be captured with a camera and can never be validated by the people around you.
As Dr. Seuss says, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” There is no normal, and what’s considered common isn’t common everywhere (the more you travel, the more you’ll realize that). If people don’t like you for who you are, change the people, not yourself.
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Fear, anxiety, loneliness, discomfort, pain, jitters, or whatever you’re going through is an expensive experience.
It can fuck with your health, your mood, your motivation, and your productivity. It can even mess with your ability to be around other people.
I can’t promise to make it feel better. There are plenty of crooks who you can throw your money at for that. What I can promise is this: you have limitless power to make that shit even worse.
Comparison is the thief of joy, and if you’re having a rough patch, looking at the lives of others will not help. Everyone is going through what they’re going through, but many still get up and keep their lives moving; those folks are called adults. Observing everyone on the surface, then comparing what you see to what you’re feeling deep inside is a guaranteed method of sinking yourself even lower.
This is not to say find consolation in the fact that others have bullshit as well, but more to realize that maybe bullshit is just a part of life. Life doesn’t start after the obstacles; life is the obstacles.
A carefree, stress-free, all-problems-get-solved-within-twenty-two-minutes type of life exists ONLY on television. To begin with, most of the things we call problems aren’t even problems, they’re dilemmas. These dilemmas are generally attributed to our ample leisure time in the first world. Folks in other situations rarely have the luxury to ponder or stress about many of the things we do, mainly because they’re too busy surviving (cue Jim Jefferies singing “Don’t Die Today”).
It’s not my place to evaluate the things that keep you up at night or cause you anxiety. I have, however, realized in my time on this planet that outside of actual death (and a few other exceptions), the intensity of our problems is the simple marriage of our circumstance with our mindset. Sometimes you can’t change the circumstances, but you can ALWAYS change your mindset. (If at this point you said, “Easier said than done, Humble,” you owe me $5.)
Death itself is the one sure-shot promise so there’s really no point in worrying about that. We all have that in common.
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